Proving Your Point Can Be Hazardous for a Relationship

Some people are able to remain calm during a disagreement while others avoid conflict completely.  Still others blow up quickly and seem to enjoy the fight.  Letting go of the conflict and the need to “win” or prove your point is hard for many but crucial for the relationship.

Jill and Jim fought a lot.  Their friends referred to them as “The Bickersons” and kept their contact with them as a couple to a minimum, especially when it included drinking.

While their fights did not include throwing things or hitting each other … yet, there was still a lot of passion and volatility.

Jim and Jill liked their passion.  It went quite well in their bedroom; however, it was pretty destructive to their feelings about themselves and each other and, now that they had 2 children, they were especially concerned about their style.

Both halves of the couple agreed that they could share equally in the escalation of the fighting.  They could agree on that when they were calm, that is.  Otherwise, things quickly deteriorated to blaming and accusing the other of being the aggressor.

Both also agreed that they knew each other’s “hot spots” and even confessed to using them to gain power in fights.  They also acknowledged that they really had difficulty resisting the fight when it started.  Both felt a need to prove their point or win the argument.

Click here to read the rest of the article.

Running Away from Conflict

• Do you immediately want to run away when your partner disagrees with you or makes a complaint?
• Do you feel like nothing ever gets resolved between you and your spouse?

If so, you are not alone.  Many people have problems with conflict and will avoid disagreements at all costs.

Sandy felt like she could never get Jim to sit down and talk through a problem with her.  Whenever she disagreed with him, he would run away from conversations.  Heaven forbid that she would ever want to talk about their relationship!

Ellen grew up in a home where there was a lot of fighting.  Any time that Bill raised his voice, or she thought he raised his voice, she would cry and become very upset.  Bill was really frustrated because he thought that they were never able to get through any discussions and reach decisions.

While fighting is usually not good, NEVER talking things through and resolving differences is also unhealthy for relationships.  When couples don’t resolve issues, when one or both of them have the conflict avoidant style, they are more likely to grow distant from each other as they each feel frustrated, hurt and disappointed.

Men are more likely then women to run away from conflict; however, many women also become flooded with conflict and are prone to struggle with how to remain in difficult conversations in calm and productive ways.

Some people directly refuse to discuss an issue and will use comments like “You are being unreasonable and I refuse to talk with you about this” or “We never get anywhere when we argue and I am not going to talk anymore.”

Click here to read suggestions for how to get your conflict avoiding spouse to talk with you.

Tip of the Week, December 28, 2009

This is the time for resolutions.  As you think about ways to improve your relationships, consider some of these possibilities:

Couples:
Resolve to spend 20 minutes a day … every day … with each other just talking about your life and your day.

Parents:
Resolve to visit your children’s rooms, go into their space, for 10 minutes every day and ask about their music, their friends, subjects of interest to them as people, not to you as a parent.

Those going through divorce or death of a spouse:
Resolve to build your friendship network with people of the same sex rather than rushing to find a new partner.

Everyone:
Practice random acts of kindness.

What resolutions have you made this year?

Counseling Relationships Online

Couples Counseling of Louisville

Effective Communication Skills: 7 Ways To Get Your Point Across In A Relationship

Some people just have the ability to get their point across when they are talking.
What do they do that works?
How is it that some people are able seem so calm, organized and clear when they speak?
What is it that some can do to get others’ attention?

Here are 7 suggestions for what you might do to improve how you can get your point across in any relationship whether it is with a spouse, child, neighbor or boss.

1.  Begin with a compliment or a statement of good will.  Think positively and let that be a part of all of your communication.

2.  Whenever possible, use humor.  It can be a great ‘equalizer” and is a good way to bring about good feelings.

3.  Always use respectful language and tone.  Speaking with anger, loudly or rudely generally invites defensiveness or arguing.  Respect does not imply agreement.

4.  If the topic or issue is important to you, get your thoughts together before you begin.  It is much easier for someone to listen to an organized presentation than one that is wandering.  Begin with your point and end with your point.

5.    Talk in bullet points rather than paragraphs.  Most people do not have an attention span that lasts for a long time and they are much more likely to recognize your point if you are able to be concise.

6.  Make the conversation interactive.  Ask for feedback, thoughts and comments.

7.    Develop the art of becoming a good listener.

Do you have some ideas for what makes an effective communicator?  Please share them with us.

Counseling Relationships Online

Couples Counseling of Louisville

Parents and Children: 7 Ways to Enhance Your Relationship With You Child

1.  Enter your child’s world rather than trying to get your child to enter your world and enjoy what is interesting for you.

Enter your child's world.

Listen to a couple of your teen’s favorite artists.  Find something positive to say about the music and ask questions of your teen about how this music speaks to them.

Sit on the floor with your young daughter and get her to teach you her favorite game or tell you the story of her dolls.

2.  Parents are better off when they give specific, clear and direct recognition of a child’s strengths.

Tell your child what you have noticed and appreciated just that day.  Global comments like “You are a special girl” make less of an impression than “The way that you thought about your friend and made those cookies and took them to her because she was having a tough day was so loving and caring.”

3.  As a parent, listen, really listen, to what your child is telling you, even if you are not happy with what he or she is saying.

This does not mean that you listen if he is being rude or disrespectful; however, it does mean that you allow your child to have a different opinion and you listen carefully and respect him and his thoughts, even if you do not agree.

4.   Parents can score points if they communicate electronically.

Send your child an email with an article about something that you know that she is interested in.  Make a few comments about what made you specifically think about her and her interests.

Send him NPR’s song of the day or an itune that you think that he might like and make a brief comment about why it made you think of  him.

5.  Parents should walk into a child’s room, but make sure to knock if the door is closed,  sit on his bed and ask about his day.  If he doesn’t seem to want to talk, talk a little about your day and then just sit quietly.  Find something specific to say about him that is positive (see tip # 2) and, after 5 minutes, loving leave. Be sure to repeat this exercise the next day.

6.  Do something just with her.  Do not include your spouse or any of the other children.  Go for lunch, a walk, a movie, ice cream.  Find something that she likes to do.  Let her lead the conversation and just be an attentive listener.

7.  Create a ritual, something that you do regularly, just with him.  You might also want to include your spouse, but this should be something to recognize your child.  This might be “his day” on his birthday and half-birthday.  It might be Sunday morning trip to the bakery for pastries together.  You could have a regular game that you watch together, either on television or preferably in person.

The idea for all of this is that you want to find ways to recognize and acknowledge your child as special and your relationship as important.

Counseling Relationships Online
Couples Counseling of Louisville

Tip of the Week, July 7, 2009

The way that you think about your relationships and your life affects the way that you feel about yourself, your life and others.  When you are able to think positively about life, you will feel better.  Try an experiment for today.  Choose one relationship that is troublesome to you … and find a way to look for a positive in that situation or that person.

If your boss is difficult, think of one thing about her/him that is positive such as “He does have a good smile” or “She did say that she likes the way that I handle customers.”  If that is not possible, think of a positive thing about the situation such as “I am only at this job 40 hours a week and have many other things in my life that are fulfilling such as my spouse, children, home, etc. … and I can put this all in perspective.”

One woman recently told me that she was surprised by how much better she felt after she changed one habit.  She no longer spent time with co-workers who were unhappy with the job and constantly complaining.  Instead, she tried to only talk with others about neutral or positive things about the job … or about her life.  Her job and the problems did not change but they were no longer so overwhelming for her and she no longer found herself thinking so much about them.

CounselingRelationshipsOnline.com
CouplesCounselingofLouisville.com

Seven Great Conversation Starters

Are you shy?
Worry about how to talk with someone that you do not know well?
Want to meet other people but the idea of attending an event, especially if you are alone, scares you?
Want to get to know that interesting looking man or woman but do not know how to go about beginning a conversations?

Here are some tips for good ways to start a conversation.

1.  Get to a gathering early so there will be fewer people there.   Look for one or two people who are alone and begin the conversation by sharing your thoughts about the gathering.  Ask the other person about what made him/her decide to attend, how he knows the host or hostess or what his connection is to the event.  Listen carefully and ask good follow-up questions.

2.  The weather is always a safe beginning.  You can follow it with one fact about your favorite season,  what you love to do in this weather or some other piece of information about yourself.  Then ask the other person to share one of his or her stories about the same question.

3.  At a networking or work-type of gathering?  If so, ask how the other person landed the job that they have.  Find out about the search and what made them attracted to that job.

4.  See someone interesting you would like to meet?  If this is someone who is totally unknown to you and you have no one that you might get to arrange an introduction or begin the conversation with something like “Aren’t you a friend of Eric’s?” you might try one of these opening statements.  “This may seem strange to you, a stranger coming up to you; however, you look like someone I would just like to meet.  Is that okay?”

Another possible opening statement might be “You look like you are having a good time … are bored … are uncomfortable.  Am I right?”  Then you can follow up with questions or empathic statements about your observation.  “What are you enjoying most about this party?”  “I get bored with these events, too.  What brings you here anyway?”
Or you might say something like “I really like your hairstyle, where do you have it cut?” or … “Great tie!  Is there a story about it?”

5.  Ask a silly question if the time is appropriate.  You might say, “I am taking a survey and would like to know … “who is your favorite Sesame Street Character and why?”  “Who was your favorite hero or musician as a teen?”

6.  Mention a current event.  Some people choose not to talk about controversial issues or events, rather look for an interesting news article that might stimulate some conversation.7.  The easiest and generally best way to begin a conversation is to remember that people generally like to talk about themselves.   Most also feel flattered if you seem interested in them and their lives so any question that you ask another about their lives, work or family will be flattering and take much of the conversational responsibility off your shoulders.

CounselingRelationshipsOnline.com
CouplesCounselingofLouisville.com

Conflict and Couples: Standing Up For Yourself

Remaining calm and hearing out your partner are not the only things that are important in relationships.  It is also important to find ways to stand up for yourself.  Giving in truly is not always the best response, even if it seems to keep the peace.

There are lots of drawbacks to giving in a lot.  The biggest one, of course, is that resentment tends to build as you discover that very little is going your way.

Tim grew up in a family that was loud and angry.  He often retreated to his room or to the garage just to get away from the yelling in his family.  He vowed never to have a relationship like that so he avoided any kind of conflict with Terry.  While Terry found that she often got her way, she also felt frustrated that Tim did not share his thoughts with her and she also noticed that he might go along with what she wanted but often did not seem very happy about it, sometimes even angry.

Tim needed to learn how to stand up for himself in calm, respectful, direct and firm ways.  Here are some of the things he said has helped him.

• Tim learned to figure out in his own mind what his needs, thoughts or beliefs were.  He learned to understand what it was that was important to him and the reasons for this.
• He began to hear and understand, even if he did not agree with or accept, Terry’s position.
• Tim considered her opinion and determined if there was anything that she wanted or needed that he could agree with and accept.
• He let Terry know that he heard her and respected her as a person but did not agree with her.  He told her that his ideas or desires were different than hers and directly and calmly explained them.
• There were a few times that Terry tried to dismiss Tim, especially at first when she was not used to him disagreeing so directly with her.  At those times, he again stood up for himself by telling her that he felt dismissed and needed for her to listen to him.  There were several times that he had to do that, and eventually Terry learned that she could not always have her way about things.
• There were even a few times that Terry continued to be loud and disrespectful and Tim told her that he was not willing to continue the conversation at that point.  He promised to come back to talk with her when they were both calmer and in a better place to listen to each other.

Tim got very good at sorting through the things that were important and that he needed to stand up for and what things were less important and he could lovingly let go and allow Terry’s needs to prevail.
Contact us at CounselingRelationshipsOnline.com if you would like some coaching on how you can stand up for yourself.

Feel free to leave questions or comments here and maybe we can have some discussion about what has worked for you as you have learned to stand up for yourself.

Mastering Conflict: Stay In Charge Of Your Own “Buttons”

Are you able to stay with a disagreement and keep focused on the issue?

Do you find yourself having a hard time remaining calm?

Do you frequently take disagreements personally?

Do you find yourself reacting more strongly than you planned … maybe in response to old fights or old wounds?

Many people find that they have a hard time remaining calm and focused on one issue or problem when arguing or disagreeing with their spouse. Old “buttons” get pushed and it becomes hard to remain in the present. Feelings of hurt, disappointment, disrespect, being discounted or dismissed may emerge and lead to reactions and responses that have nothing to do with the issue at hand or to the gravity of the situation.

We all have to find ways to remain in charge of our own responses with our partners. This involves recognizing old tapes from relationships and patterns of the past that visit today. An awareness of old fears and hurts can be the first step toward helping to change this pattern.

Julia grew up with parents who had money to buy her lots of things; however, their time was limited and they had little interest in spending it with Julia. She developed the idea that she was not important and what was important to her did not matter. Julia cannot remember any times that either her father or her mother showed up for school performances or even teacher’s conferences. Julia felt like she pretty much reared herself. When Julia and Troy fought, she often felt dismissed if he did not agree with her or her point of view. While she “knew” that he was entitled to have a different opinion, when he did, she felt discounted and it was not until she could tie that reaction to the frequent one that she received, the message that she often got from her parents of not being important, that Julia was able to calmly listen and talk with Troy when they disagreed.

Gerald’s dad had very high expectations of his son and Gerald was never able to meet those expectations. His father was highly critical, rarely positive or complimentary with Gerald. No matter how hard Gerald tried to please his dad, it never worked.

When Marcia had complaints about Gerald or something that he had done, Gerald would immediately become defensive and accuse her of being critical of everything that he did. He was unable to really hear Marcia, even when she was able to softly and gently ask for something different or try to talk about a problem. Gerald realized that he “heard” his father in all of Marcia’s complaints, even though they were very different. As he was able to separate his reactions from his relationship with his dad and his response to Marcia, he was able to talk with her about a present issue without revisiting the old “programmed in” responses.

Do you have “buttons” that get pushed from old past or wounds? Are you able to recognize them for what they are?

Please share your thoughts and ideas about this with us.

CounselingRelationshipsOnline.com
CouplesCounselingofLouisville.com

Fighting Fairly: Avoid Triggering Your Partner

Questions: How can you fight fairly? I mean, conflict is conflict and it is important to clearly state your point and stand up for yourself, right?

What do you mean when you say: “avoid triggering your partner”? Everyone is responsible for his or her own reactions and responses, correct?

Answers: The answers are yes and yes. With a disagreement, it is important to stand up for yourself and state your point or opinion.

Being assertive means standing up for yourself while also respecting the rights of others. That’s different from being aggressive which often involves running over other people and their rights.

Most people who have regular disagreements with a partner or spouse, usually know what upsets or “sets off” their partner. It may be a comment about being just like their mother or a reminder of a past fight that has long been over but not forgotten. These remarks can be “dirty” and very unfair. When delivered, they are provocative and escalate fights.

While everyone is in charge of his or her own reactions … with words and with responses, take off the boxing gloves and put on the kid gloves. Treat your partner with love, tenderness and respect while also standing up for yourself and what is important to you.

CounselingRelationshipsOnline.com
CouplesCounselingofLouisville.com