Bad Marriages and Affairs

“If he had just paid attention to me, I would not have had to find it somewhere else.  He spends more time on the golf course than he does at home.”

“My wife’s nagging is the main reason I became unhappy and started my affair.”

Do affairs cause bad marriages … or do bad marriages cause affairs?

All affairs can cause bad marriages but not all bad marriages cause affairs.  In fact, an affair may even happen in a good marriage.  Having an affair, cheating on your spouse, is no way to solve problems in a marriage.

While it certainly can be true that problems in a marriage can lead to loneliness, unhappiness and sadness, making a decision to have an affair is the responsibility of the person who makes the choice to cheat.

There are many reasons why people have affairs.

There are many reasons why people have affairs.  Some reasons do have to do with the relationship while others are more about the person who is having the affair.

When couples have difficulty resolving conflict or problems between them, have a  fear of intimacy or do not nurture and tend to the relationship, then feelings of loneliness and isolation grow and the ground becomes fertile for friendships to bleed over into more than a friendship with someone that you see frequently like a colleague, neighbor or friend.

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Money and Marriage: How Can I Get my Spouse to Agree with Me?

The holidays often provide more concerns than usual about money and budgets.  Couples experience tension and stress, especially when funds are limited as they are for many families.  There are also a lot of emotional issues around money, presents, giving and the holidays.

In our practice, couples often come in with finances as their biggest problem.  When marriage and money is the issue, we also hear comments about trust, control, stinginess, irresponsibility, lying and dishonesty.

Everyone comes to a relationship with ideas, philosophies and feelings about money. Often, when they are similar, there is not a problem. (Unless, of course, they both want to spend a lot.)

Marriage and Money:  Tips To Help You Work It Out

Here are a few tips for couples to help them move from being opponents about the family budget to players on the same team.

Talk with each other about the meaning of money and marriage for you and your life.

• What did money represent when you were growing up? How did your parents handle money?
• How does that affect the way you think about money?
• How do you envision your marriage and money?

Get a better understanding about your spouse and his or her thoughts about money so that when you hit any normal roadblocks about the family finances, you will be able to travel over them more easily.

Click here to read the rest of the article:  Marriage and Money: My Spouse and I Cannot Agree

8 Ways to Affair-Proof Your Marriage

Couples who experience an affair in their marriage often feel as if their very foundation was destroyed. The revelation of an affair is a traumatic event and healing takes a long time.

Can you really “affair-proof” your marriage? Yes, and I want to share some tips for how you and your partner can do that together.

I have seen many couples in my practice and, while most of these couples do have difficulties, many find ways to work through their problems while also remaining faithful. Here are some of the ways that they make it happen.

1.  Start with the attitude of being certain that you will not stray.

Begin with the belief that you will guard against any relationship with another person that could lead to an affair, either an emotional one or a sexual affair.

Recognize that there are many people who are attractive and might be quite attractive to or attracted by you. That’s human nature.

In order to affair-proof your marriage, shake hands with this idea but also make sure that the door is not open to exploring or taking it any further than noticing it … because you KNOW that you will not follow up on any inappropriate relationship outside of your marriage.

2. Establish clear boundaries with your partner.   Avoid Temptation.

Limit your contact with people of the opposite sex or, if you are attracted to those of the same sex, be careful.

Click here to read the rest of the tips on Healing-from-Affairs.com.

A Healthy Relationship Is More Important Than Winning An Argument: Discover 6 Ways To Repair Damage During Conflict

Is it more important for you to protect your relationship than it is to win a fight?

Can you disagree without being disagreeable?

Are you able to keep the love showing while conflict is flowing?

If your answer is “yes” to all of these questions, then you may not need to read any further.  If any of these presents a strain for you; however, there may be some useful tips here for you.

All couples disagree.  According to researcher, Dr. John Gottman, it is usually about the same things over and over again.  In fact, his research points out that about 2/3rds of all disagreements are usually about the same issues.

Some couples are masters at working through conflict and keeping a good relationship as their primary focus.  They truly disagree without being disagreeable.

Couples who can find ways to repair any damage to the relationship while they are having a disagreement, or, as some might call it, a fight, have more than half of the battle won.  It makes so much more sense to compromise with or acquiesce to someone that you like and with whom you have a good relationship.

For others, repairing damage during conlict requires learning new habits and skills.

Repair Damage During Conflict.

Here are some suggestions for ways to repair damage to a relationship during conflict.

Click here to read the rest of the article: Discover 6 ways to repair damage during conflict.

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Couples Counseling of Louisville

Healing from Affairs

Discover Ways to Stay Calm Even in Conflict

Every couple has differences.  Some of those issues need to be discussed while others will work themselves out over time and may not involve any conflict.

While there may not need to be a reason to fight about the differences, there are certainly reasons to have discussions and figure out ways to handle problems when you disagree.

With volatile couples, those who are quickly triggered and have trouble avoiding a fight, it is important to signal ways to recognize when either partner is getting flooded and take a time out so that they can calm down before having any kind of conversation about their disagreement.  Areas of conflict are handled much more successfully this way.

With couples, or maybe just half of a couple, who are more likely to run away from conflict, it is also important to recognize that the urge to run also comes from feeling flooded.  If you give yourself or your partner the time to calm down, then it is likely that you can find a way to talk about the problem.

Learning how to identify when you are flooded and calm yourself down is a skill that can be learned.  Learning this skill can make you a master at handling conflict.

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Proving Your Point Can Be Hazardous for a Relationship

Some people are able to remain calm during a disagreement while others avoid conflict completely.  Still others blow up quickly and seem to enjoy the fight.  Letting go of the conflict and the need to “win” or prove your point is hard for many but crucial for the relationship.

Jill and Jim fought a lot.  Their friends referred to them as “The Bickersons” and kept their contact with them as a couple to a minimum, especially when it included drinking.

While their fights did not include throwing things or hitting each other … yet, there was still a lot of passion and volatility.

Jim and Jill liked their passion.  It went quite well in their bedroom; however, it was pretty destructive to their feelings about themselves and each other and, now that they had 2 children, they were especially concerned about their style.

Both halves of the couple agreed that they could share equally in the escalation of the fighting.  They could agree on that when they were calm, that is.  Otherwise, things quickly deteriorated to blaming and accusing the other of being the aggressor.

Both also agreed that they knew each other’s “hot spots” and even confessed to using them to gain power in fights.  They also acknowledged that they really had difficulty resisting the fight when it started.  Both felt a need to prove their point or win the argument.

Click here to read the rest of the article.

Running Away from Conflict

• Do you immediately want to run away when your partner disagrees with you or makes a complaint?
• Do you feel like nothing ever gets resolved between you and your spouse?

If so, you are not alone.  Many people have problems with conflict and will avoid disagreements at all costs.

Sandy felt like she could never get Jim to sit down and talk through a problem with her.  Whenever she disagreed with him, he would run away from conversations.  Heaven forbid that she would ever want to talk about their relationship!

Ellen grew up in a home where there was a lot of fighting.  Any time that Bill raised his voice, or she thought he raised his voice, she would cry and become very upset.  Bill was really frustrated because he thought that they were never able to get through any discussions and reach decisions.

While fighting is usually not good, NEVER talking things through and resolving differences is also unhealthy for relationships.  When couples don’t resolve issues, when one or both of them have the conflict avoidant style, they are more likely to grow distant from each other as they each feel frustrated, hurt and disappointed.

Men are more likely then women to run away from conflict; however, many women also become flooded with conflict and are prone to struggle with how to remain in difficult conversations in calm and productive ways.

Some people directly refuse to discuss an issue and will use comments like “You are being unreasonable and I refuse to talk with you about this” or “We never get anywhere when we argue and I am not going to talk anymore.”

Click here to read suggestions for how to get your conflict avoiding spouse to talk with you.

Research Results About the Impact of Affairs on Marriage

Peggy Vaughn, a leading author (“The Monogomy Myth) and speaker about affairs, has just released a free e-book based on her research with over 1,000 couples impacted by an affair.

Some of her findings were:

• The deception is often harder to recover from than the sexual act.
• 76% of couples who experience affairs remain together.
• It is essential to answer questions about the details of the affair or affairs in order to rebuild trust.
• For the majority of the time, when an affair is discovered, it is not the first affair.  This is sort of like a speeding ticket.  You rarely receive one the first time that you exceed the speed limit.
• Affairs have a lasting impact on the betrayed partner and, even after getting to the point of forgiveness, there are lasting scars.
• It is quite rare for the person having the affair to divorce a spouse and marry an affair partner.
• Many couples experiencing an affair saw more than one therapist.  The best results were achieved when the therapist dealt directly with the affair and helped the couple to openly talk about the affair rather than putting it in the past.

Want to read this e-book?  It is geared toward therapists but has stories and comments from several couples who experienced an affair or affairs in their marriage.  Click here to download this free e-book.

Should or Can There Be Forgiveness After An Affair?

Can there be forgiveness after an affair?  Are spouses or betrayed partners really able to let go of resentment, anger and fear of more betrayals?

The simple answer is “yes” although the process to get there is not an easy one.  Forgiveness is tough.  Most wonder how they can be expected to forgive one of the most painful experiences of their lives.

True forgiveness, however, brings about an inner peace in your heart and in your mind.  It allows you to be different than the events in your life.  You no longer define yourself by your injuries.

Forgiveness should not come quickly and best comes with dialogue and work with and by both partners.

Even if the person who has had the affair is not willing to work; however, and the marriage may not be saved, it is still an important step toward health for the one who was betrayed to find a way to forgive.

Let’s talk for a minute about the idea of forgiveness, what it is … and what it isn’t.

Forgiveness isn’t:

Forgetting. The affair (or affairs) happened and affected your life.  Shake hands with that experience but develop a richer and fuller story about yourself, about who you are and what your life is about.  You might be a betrayed spouse but that is not all that defines you as a person.  Remember the much bigger story about you.

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Counseling Relationships Online

Healing after Affairs

Couples Counseling of Louisville

Seven-Step Process to Resolve Conflict in Relationships

There is nothing that can be as destructive to a relationship, whether the relationship is a romantic, family, friend or work one, than having conflict.

There is also nothing that can be as healing and helpful to a relationship as resolving conflict and handling it well.

I would like to share with you a 7 step process for resolving conflict. This process is especially helpful when finding a solution and resolving conflict seems to be nowhere on the horizon.

Often, when locked in conflict, people are not able to see and understand any other perspective than their own.  Understanding WHY someone feels differently is also hard to do.  (Think Democrats and Republicans in highly contested races.)

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Counseling Relationships Online

Healing from Affairs

Couples Counseling of Louisville