Strategy Number 6: Beat the Holiday Blues by Honoring Rituals

Honor important old rituals and develop new ones. Rituals help promote a sense of well-being.  Old ones can provide a sense of continuity through times of transition while developing new ones aids in accommodating to new situations.

Evaluate which rituals you want to keep and consider developing any new ones that might mark the positive things about you or your life right now.

Strategy Number 2: Beat the Holiday Blues by Setting Realistic Expectations

Have realistic expectations for yourself and your family.

Remember holidays of the past and do not expect this year to be much different.

Remember, you can work yourself into a pretzel trying to make them special, but you have no control over others in your family and they may never appreciate what you do for them.

You may fantasize about your hopes and dreams for the holidays, however, it may only BE hopes and dreams.

Be realistic about yourself and your family as you move into the holidays.  Look for small positive things and focus on them rather than what is missing.

Find ways to create meaning in these holidays for yourself but know that it may not mean the same for others.

Counseling Relationships Online

Couples Counseling of Louisville

Healing from Affairs

Strategy Number 1: Beat the Holiday Blues by Shaking Hands with Them

Shake hands with your loneliness or sadness. Recognize that this is just something that affects you.  It is NOT you; however, just something that you are experiencing and may have experienced before.

This may be a familiar feeling or may be new due to a change in your life or circumstances.  Acknowledge its presence.  Take some time to think about it and then look for ways to focus on other things.

Talk out loud about it.  Write about it.  Cry about it, if that helps.  Do a little work to understand the meaning of it in your life and then find ways to let it go, at least for awhile.

You may need to allow yourself time to think or grieve throughout the holidays but look for ways to let it go the rest of the time.

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Couples Counseling of Louisville

Healing from Affairs

Managing Family Holiday Stress

We are “smack dab“ in the middle of the holidays and find ourselves forced to spend a lot of time with family.  For many people this involves seeing relatives that they may only see at this time of the year.  We don’t always like or agree with all of our relatives which can bring about stress and tension for days, weeks or even longer before the events.  Some families take a very long time to be able to get past their holiday stressful experiences.

We, at Counseling Relationships Online, have pulled together some suggestions for how to think about and how to handle these gatherings.

Visualize the experience before you even go.  Think about all of the possible difficult conversations or statements and make plans in your head or with your spouse about how to handle them.  Practice your responses which can be anything from silence to a simple statement or a prolonged conversation.  Planning for difficulties makes them less stressful.

Be positive and complimentary whenever you can.  Don’t make things up, be realistic; however, remember that positivity breeds positivity and it may lead to a friendlier atmosphere for the family.

Avoid divisive subjects.  Find ways to change the discussion or even leave the room.  This is not a time to solve the world problems or dissect the latest election.

Answer the question:  Is it more important to have family harmony or win an argument?  Arguing rarely is helpful and yet it is important to stand up for yourself and sometimes for others.  Prolonging a discussion after making a statement may not be helpful in the long-run.  If you really need to state your opinion, do so respectfully, listen and then, if at all possible, find ways to let go.

Stand up for your spouse or children with your own family. If another family member makes a disparaging remark, calmly but directly, let them know that it is not okay with you to talk or treat your family in that way.  If at all possible, try not to get into a prolonged confrontation where apologies are demanded, often that leads to more conflict.  If you need to, find a way to leave the gathering early.

Try to position yourself around the relatives that you like and enjoy.  Don’t make it too hard on yourself.  If you find Uncle Charlie irritating, be friendly, but then sit near others.  Remember, you don’t have to like everyone.

If alcohol is served, limit how much you drink. Plan to keep your good thinking in place.

Remember, this is only for a short period of time. You do not have to remain forever.  It will be over and you can go back to your safe, comfortable surroundings with those who love and respect you and share your ideas and values.

Please share tips with us of what you have learned that helps handle holiday stress and extended family by commenting on this blog.

Connect Through Rituals Over The Holidays

Holidays provide times for connection with multiple generations.

Grandparents have the opportunity to share some of the family history with their grandchildren.

This is a wonderful time to get out family holiday photos, play games that parents and grandparents played as children, for grandparents to share stories of their Christmases “long ago” and to make traditional holiday treats.

Some families have food that they only prepare at holiday times …  egg nog, a special cookie or coffee cake, or an ethnic dish from the oldest generation’s heritage.

Use this time to enrich family connection, even if you do not see as much of each other through the year as you would like.

Consider finding ways to include family members that live away and will not be home for the holidays.  Send old photos in ornaments, wrap up an old childhood memento, journal in a grandparent’s book.  Creatively think about ways to stay connected with each other.

The Richardsons pass the same holiday cards back and forth to each other every year, adding a short note about their lives.  It has become a record of family events for 23 years now.

Elaine and her sister have one silver holiday ball that they pass back and forth every year.  This ball is the kind in which you put some small gift.  Each tries to find something different and unique … and it is a nice tradition to show that they care about each other.

George and Jill send their grandchildren photos taken over the year of them all together.  Their mother helps them to keep them in a book so that they have a record of history with their grandparents.

Have you found ideas to stay connected with your family that you can share with us here?

Counseling Relationships Online

Couples Counseling of Louisville

Low Cost, High Affection Holiday Gift Ideas

Make a family “communication” box.  Find a small box and put trinkets in there that will communicate feelings.  A band aid can mean “I am hurting”, a Kleenex can mean “I need a good cry”.  A candy heart for “I need love”.  A small lifesaver can symbolize “I am feeling overwhelmed.”  A place card can mean “I need a favor”.  Put the box in a place where all can see it every day.  When someone needs any one of these emotional needs met, they just lay out the symbol for others in the family to see.

Another Low-Cost, High Affection Holiday Gift Idea

Collect and burn a cd, especially made for your friend or family member.  Add one song that you chose because it reminds you of him or her … along with a note that explains why.

Low-Cost, High Affection Gifts for the Holidays

It is a week until Christmas.  We know that many people are worried about how to provide gifts for their family and friends and yet want to give them something.  We are going to offer one idea each day until Christmas.

Today’s idea: a Family Staycation.  Pretend that you are on vacation in your own home.  Do things that you would normally do on vacation, stay up late and sleep in, eat different foods, play games, visit interesting sites, watch movies and eat popcorn.  Celebrate time together.

In-Laws and Holidays

Ever since I first met Cindy’s mother, the going has been rough. She has never approved of me because I do not have a college degree and did not grow up in the “right neighborhood”. She makes no effort to be nice to me, except in front of Cindy. I have been able to hold my temper with her, mainly by avoiding contact with her. This has caused problems between Cindy and I, and especially at the holidays. Cindy and I are in a bad space right now because she wants me to go with her and the children to her mom’s this year and I really don’t want to go. I have been holding my ground thinking that her mother would be nicer, however, she is not willing to budge and just uses the time to talk bad about me to Cindy and now to our boys. Ideas for how to handle this?

This is really a tough question. Many times in-law problems are about both people … neither party open to giving in and making overtures to develop a relationship. That is not always the case; however, and then things get “sticky”.

You may not want to hear our advice … but you asked. Unless your mother-in-law is being verbally abusive, we encourage you to be the “bigger” person. Go for Cindy and for the children. Your relationship with them is really the most important thing here.

Be courteous to your mother-in-law and look for any sign that she might be trying to take a step in the right direction for her daughter and grandchildren. If you see any sign … even the slightest one, find a way to acknowledge it with a smile or a positive comment back. Look for opportunities to talk with others in the family so that you do not need to be around her so much of the time.

Talk with Cindy about how much time you want her by your side and ask for a commitment from her. When she is away, visit with the children or others in the family. Talk with Cindy and set a specific time to go home and ask her to agree that you will leave earlier if her mother becomes too disrespectful to you.

When you get home, congratulate yourself for your maturity and willingness to do your part in having a healthy marriage. Hopefully, Cindy will understand that this clearly an important sign of your love and commitment.

Holidays in Tough Economic Times: One Family’s Story

Andy and Cheryl prepared everyone in their family this year by telling them that they love them very much, would still be sharing presents, but they would all notice a difference.  Then they set about thinking of creative ways to celebrate simply.  Many of the gifts that they are giving have to do with time and their talent.  Hours of babysitting and coupons for casseroles are on the gift list.  Cheryl put together gift baskets with baked goods and baking supplies.  She was quite creative with jars of soup and cookie mix.  Andy offered coupons for yard work and snow shoveling and promised to take the initiative to schedule the work, not wait for the “ask”.

Finding ways to help their children understand the simpler Christmas, they began talking about it weeks in advance.  They helped each child find a way to make gifts or coupons for their siblings and gave them each a chance to earn a little money so that they could purchase something very small as well.  Getting the children in the mindset of living simpler, they also helped them gather older toys that were still in good condition, cleaned them up and found a way to donate them to others in need.  As they worked on this project, Cheryl and Andy talked about the changes happening in our world and in their lives.  They also spent a lot of time talking about what have been the gifts in their family and in each one of them.

As we near Christmas, the children are preparing for things to be simpler.  There will still be a few special presents under the tree.  Cheryl has done quite a bit of research on-line and is quite adept at finding the many different coupon and price comparison websites.  She has even found a few things at consignment shops and both parents feel pretty sure that their children will be pleased with what the find under the tree Christmas morning.

Andy and Cheryl feel a little more light-hearted and really good about the life lessons that the children are learning.  Christmas will be very special for this family after all.