5 Tips For Falling Back in Love

“We seem to be just roommates … and have lost the good feelings that we once had.”

“I love him but I am not in love with him.”

“We seem to have lost that spark and I do not have those same feelings for her any more.”

Those are words … and feelings … that go through the minds and hearts of almost all of those who are involved in long-term relationships.  It is rare for both partners in a couple to have those same warm and connected feelings all of the time.   And, yes, it is possible to fall back in love with your spouse.

Sometimes, hearing those words from a spouse can mean an affair …either emotionally or sexually.  An attraction to someone else brings excitement and a marital partner generally cannot measure up to the thrill of newness and the thrill of risk and secrecy.  If infidelity is the issue, the challenges are much more complex and require stepping away from the affair before feelings of being in love can even begin to return.

Often feeling and thoughts of losing love; however, are more about taking each other for granted, devoting more time to career, children, social lives or other activities that prevent prioritizing the marriage and nurturing the couple relationship.  When partners do not nurture their relationship, they tend to become distant and feel more lonely and isolated.

Click here to read the 5 tips.

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Healing from Affairs

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4. Think About Your Partner During The Day

4.  Think about your spouse as you go about your daily life.  Make it a habit to just think about your spouse and what he or she might like as you go about your day.  If there are small things that you think of, find a way to make it happen.

We often give or do for others what we want for ourselves.  It is better for the relationship when we think about what the other person might want and give them that.

Let your spouse know that you are thinking about him or her today in some small way.

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Eight Ways To Be A Better Half

We want to offer you eight suggestions to be a better spouse.  Marriages improve and stay healthier when even one person makes efforts.  You can try all of these ideas at once or just one at a time.  (It does take 6 weeks for something to become a habit, you know.)

We will share a different idea every day, along with a suggestion or two for how you might use them in your relationship.

Here is the tip for today.

1.   Appreciate the good things about your spouse and let him or her know about it frequently.

The more that you talk about what you like, the more you get what you like.  People are more likely to do more of what they are told is good than to change what they are told is wrong.

Besides, when you focus on what you like in your spouse, you are more likely to have positive feelings about them.

Try today to find 3 things to tell your partner, either with words or with your actions, that you like.

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Tips For A Happy Marriage

Happy marriages are made, they do not just happen.   Truly happy marriages require effort, energy and work.

Some people find easy mates and have the ability to naturally be a part of a happy marriage.  Most of us have to make a conscious decision to be an active partner in a happy marriage.

We have been working with couples for many years.  Here are some of the tips that we have learned from them as well as from our own reading and learning.

Seven tips for a happy marriage.

1.  Recognize that disagreements are normal and healthy.  Appreciate the fact that you are different people with different ideas, interests and needs.  Celebrate the differences.

2.  Become acquainted with your emotions and emotionality.  Recognize when you become upset, angry, hurt or disappointed and find ways to talk about those emotions with a calm and respectful tone.  If you are too upset to talk, take a break until you calm down and can think and talk clearly.

3.  Celebrate your emotions and emotionality, especially when they are positive.  Share your happiness, pleasure and appreciation with each other.  Research on healthy couples report a 5:1 ratio of positives to negatives.  (John Gottman, PhD).  When there are 5 positives for every one negative, then it is much easier to get through the difficult times.

4.  Share affection with each other many times a day, with your words, with your arms, with your lips and with your body.  Signs of affection are very important in a happy marriage.

5.  Talk with each other about what is happening in your life, in your job, in your family, with friends.  Share fears, hopes and dreams.  Let your partner be your best friend.

6.  Respect you partner. If you find that there is nothing to respect, talk with someone professional and objective; otherwise, talk and act in respectful ways.  Act as you want to be treated.

7.  Never take your spouse for granted or put your marriage on autopilot.

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Tip of the Week, May 31, 2009

Remember when … Look at a picture, watch a video, remember a happier time together.  Revisit all of the good memories and talk about what happened then … what each of you did to help make that a special time.  Dissect what you did and what you most appreciated about your partner and what he or she did that made that a special time.  As you notice softer, kinder and better feelings slowly come. Talk about how to keep them alive in the present.

8 Ways To Hurt A Woman’s Feelings, Or, What NOT To Do If You Want A Woman To Like You

1.  Ignore her when she is trying to talk with you.  Continue with television, reading the paper, the computer or playing your game.

2.  Give her “constructive criticism” about her appearance.  Even if you have a degree in fashion design or are a personal trainer, your ideas may not be welcomed.

3.  Lie to her.  This can include direct lies and omissions, the idea that “what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her”.

4.  Tell her that you think she might be emotional or “irrational” and suggest that she may be “hormonal”.

5.  “Forget” important dates like her birthday, anniversary or even special memories of your time together.  The way that you choose to mark it is less important than the fact that you remember and acknowledge in loving ways.

6.  Interrupt her when she is talking, point out that she is talking too much or “correct” her.

7.  Flirt with other women, especially right in front of her.

8.  Spend more time with your friends than with her.  Let her know, even if you do not say it directly, that your sports/buddies/work/time alone are more important ways to spend your time than with her.  Check your calendar to make sure that you do not have “more important” things going on.
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Seven Ways to Help Your Man Feel Good

1.  Notice what he is doing that you like and find a way to let him know 2 things that you really like and appreciate about him every day.

2.  Listen attentively to what he has to say and ask follow-up questions in a way that lets him know that you are interested in whatever it is that he wants or needs to talk about.

3. Brag about him to others, in his presence.

4. Be affectionate with him.   This includes non-sexual touch as well as initiating sex.  Hold his hand, give him a kiss, share a warm hug.

5. Ask for his opinion on things and respect what he says, even if you do not agree with it or decide not to use it.  Men want to feel needed, not in an artificial way, but in a real way so look for things where you really could use his help and ask for it.

6. Make sure to begin the day and end the day with a special sign of affection for him.  Take leadership in making it happen.

7. Do special things for him: fix his favorite meal and let him know that you are doing it because you care about him, buy his favorite drinks or snacks, rent a movie that you know he will like, buy him a little gift that shows that you have thought about him and what he likes.

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Top Ten Ways To Make A Man Feel Bad About Himself

There are things that a woman can do to shame her man or make him feel bad about himself.  Men, even though they may not openly show it, are vulnerable and have a fear of being hurt.  They are not as emotionally “tough” as they might try to portray.  Women are often surprised to discover this and men are not very quick to bring it to a woman’s attention.

Here are 10 things that women do that can lead to a man feeling bad about himself and, ultimately about her and about the relationship.

1. Flirt with someone else when he is around.
2. Make fun of him, especially when someone else is around.
3. Ignore him when he asks you a question.
4. Talk frequently and at length about all of the wonderful things about another man, like a guy at work, the man next door or one of his friends.
5. Turn your head when he tries to kiss you or refuse to hold his hand if he reaches out in a gentle and loving way.
6. Never ask about his day, his work or his activities.
7. Talk negatively about his mother or his best friend.
8. “Forget“ about a date, cancel at the last minute or just stand him up.
9. Poke fun, even in good humor, about some aspect of his physique.
10. Roll your eyes, sneer, or in any other ways, put down or make fun of what he says or how he expresses himself.

Next we will share the list of 10 things to make a man feel good about himself … besides avoiding these pitfalls.
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Connecting: Men and Women Do It In Different Ways

Men and women view love, experience closeness, and derive comfort from intimacy in different ways. Men and women both value love and want a close, caring relationship and yet, there is generally a difference in the way they relate to intimacy.

Here are some of the ways that men and women feel loved and connected.

What Women Want:

Conversation. Talking about the day, the relationship, feelings … about each other and the life together.

Listen. When she talks, put down the remote or computer and pay attention to her. Ask questions that show you are interested in what she is saying and how she is feeling.

Advice only when asked. Even though men have a natural tendency to want to help solve problems, women just need to have someone who listens and is interested in what she is saying.

Affection. Women really like physical and non-sexual signs of affection like holding hands, kissing gently and warm hugs.

Love. Women want to be told that you love them in a way that is meaningful. This does not have to mean flowers and gifts. Rather it can be the words with a loving gaze.

Honesty. Women want someone that they can trust, who will be open with them and not “sugar-coat” reality. Women are stronger than men think and can often handle the truth and forgive more easily if they know what has happened.

Apologies. Women want men who are not afraid to say that they are sorry or made a mistake. They respect vulnerability.

Help. Women want men who are not afraid to help them with housework and children. One research study found that men who helped with housework and chores reported happier sex lives.

What Men Want:

A playmate. Men want someone who will be involved in activities with them.

Respect. Men want to feel like their partner values and respects them and show it in the way that they talk to and about them.

Affection. To the surprise of some women, men also really like physical and non-sexual signs of affection like holding hands, kissing gently and warm hugs.

Appreciation. Men need to feel appreciated and their efforts recognized, even for simple things like taking out the trash or emptying the dishwasher.

Support. Men want someone that they can talk to and count on to be a shoulder to lean on. They do not want a lot of advice, just someone who lets them know that she is on his side. Men appreciate kindness and caretaking.

Sex. Men feel more connected during and after sex and often find that this leads the way to more conversation and affection.

Honesty. Men want women that they can trust to be open and direct with them.

Humor. Most men like someone who has a good sense of humor and a positive personality.

Appearance. Men, like women, have certain ideas about what is attractive to them. Certainly, women who take care of themselves, physically, emotionally, mentally and fiscally are important to most men.

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Making Good On Promises: “Until Death Do Us Part”

George told me recently that there are times when he really feels like giving up on his marriage. The conflict and distance in his relationship depresses him, but he remembers how much he loves his wife and truly believes that they can get through this stressful time.

Sandy was not sure that she could survive her husband’s mid-life crisis. She knew that he was acting differently than at any time before and she truly believed that he would come full circle and return home to make things work in the marriage.

Jenny and Jim were overwhelmed with the stress of trying to get pregnant, the loss of his mother and Jenny’s job lay-off. Both recognized that they were shorter and more critical of each other, not nurturing each other as they once had. When talking with them; however, the conversation usually ended with one of them saying something like “I know that things will get better” or “It cannot stay this bad forever”.

This belief in a solution to problems and stressful events can save a marriage. Having the courage to hang in with the relationship and work through difficult times has been what has made the difference in many marriages.

When people are able to acknowledge the tough times and yet also talk about their commitment to the marriage and working things out, we feel pretty confident that the marriage will make it.

One study of long-term marriages reported that many couples reported very stressful periods, and yet, years later, they remember them with a sense of having coped, survived and even thrived as they describe how happy they were to have hung in there and made it through.

Many say that divorce would have been the worst decision and, while it may have been the easy way out at the time, in the long run, remaining in the marriage and working through things has been the absolute right thing to do.

What stories of commitment and its affect on your relationship do you have? Please share them with us.

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