Love and marriage do not always go together. Sometimes feelings of love seem to evaporate. We frequently hear these words “I love him (her) but I am NOT IN LOVE with him (her). In this article, we want to talk about the reasons why people make this statement and say that they are not in love any more.
Why DO people fall out of love?
It is very distressing to become aware of these feelings, “not in love” and really not know what with what to do to change them.
A lot of people contact our counseling center about love and marriage. They report that they have fallen out of love with their spouse, or believe that their spouse is no longer in love with them.
The words we often hear are “I love him (her) but I am not in love with him (her),” most often with a disbelief that these feelings can change. One of the places to start is to begin to understand a little about how those feelings eroded within the marriage.
Here is a humorous video to bring the point home. Click here to view the video.
Pam’s mother was an attorney and a very strong woman. Her dad traveled with his job in sales. They were very business-like in their decision-making and handled most things jointly.
There was a lot of humor in Pam’s family but not a lot of warmth. Caring and concern were usually shown through purchases and experiences. Pam was very clear that her parents loved her and each other but it was shown more through gifts, money and travel rather than affection.
Jim’s family was somewhat different. He grew up in a family that was very loving and openly affectionate. His mother worked part-time as a nurse and still managed to do all of the cooking, laundry and child care. His dad helped out a bit with chores inside and handled everything outside. Jim’s dad handled the family finances and made most of the decisions about money. They had a lot of family time together and his parents really protected their time alone.
When Jim and Pam married, they had different ideas for how a marriage should be lived and what the roles “should“ be in relationships. Neither one was wrong. They were just different. They brought to the marriage what many do, their own ideas and expectations for their roles and that of their spouse in the relationship.
We all come to relationships with ideas of how we and our partner “should“ behave. Sometimes our ideas and expectations for roles in relationships are similar. Sometimes they are different. Problems can arise when partners have different ideas for each of their roles in relationships.
Click here to read the rest of the article on Roles in Relationships.
Affairs cause bad marriages more often than bad marriages cause affairs.
- Problems in your marriage?
- Unhappy with where things are right now between you and your partner?
- Wonder if couples therapy might make a difference?
What do you have to lose? Facing up to the situation and owning your part in it can be a step in the right direction.
The longer that a problem goes on, the more likely it is that positive feelings and behaviors will erode and disappear. Couples therapy may be able to help you resolve the problems that you are experiencing.
A skilled and knowledgeable couples therapist can provide a safe haven to talk about the hardest of issues and can teach you the skills to be able to carry on those conversations at home.
Good marriage counselors do not want their couples to hang around forever. They want them to be able to be successful on their own.
Here are some good reasons to see a couples therapist.
Instead of saying “I don’t have time” try saying “it’s not a priority,” and see how that feels.
Try it: “I’m not going to edit your résumé, sweetie, because it’s not a priority.” “I don’t go to the doctor because my health is not a priority.” If these phrases don’t sit well, that’s the point.
Changing our language reminds us that time is a choice. If we don’t like how we’re spending an hour, we can choose differently.
~~ Wall Street Journal
Marriage is not as easy as it looks from the other side. Falling in love might be fairly easy; however, being half of a good marriage is not usually so easy. It takes work, knowledge, skills, talent and a good sense of humor … not to mention a healthy dose of emotional intelligence.
Sometimes people try to make things better in their marriage but actually make it worse. Here are some of those well-intentioned marriage mistakes that loving spouses can make.
Marriage Mistake 1. Being too positive
Positivity is important in any relationship. Looking at the goodness and what is right is so much better than dwelling on the negative and what is “missing”. Wanting to get your spouse from a negative place by encouraging “looking on the bright side” or forgetting about upsetting things is not always helpful, however. Sometimes you have to deal with the sad, disappointed, frustrated or angry feelings.
Click here to read the rest of the article on well-intentioned Marriage Mistakes.
If you rush to change a mood, you risk the possibility that your partner will feel that his or her needs and feelings have been discounted. You also might risk the chance to experience intimacy and learn from your partner and the relationship. Hear your partner out before trying to change the mood or tone. Ask a lot of questions that get him or her to talk more with you about whatever is bothering them.
Even though you may think (and often do) know your partner very well, you may not do a good job of reading him or her. When you operate from what you “know” he or she is thinking, you may be wrong. In fact, you may be very, very wrong.
Rather than telling your partner that you know what they are thinking or feeling, phrase it as a question and be open to the idea that you may be all wrong.
Give your partner the benefit of the doubt.
Arguments are a natural part of any relationship, but cruelty is not. Above
all, happily married partners see each other as allies, not as adversaries.
~ Frank Pittman
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